You thought it was going great, but then she disappeared… What happened? Here are a couple of tips to take into consideration going into the dating scene.
You were excessively negative
To attract a woman and build a quality relationship, do you have to be sunshine and rainbows at every moment? No. (In fact, that gets old quickly, because it’s inauthentic.) But if right off the bat you start talking about how you hate everything and everyone is doomed, you’re going to pull her down. This is a problem, because early on in the dating process we want to present the best sides of ourselves. If on the first date you dragged her and every one of your conversation topics through the mud, she’s going to think that’s who you are, and what your relationship will be.
If you show to a date up oily, greasy, wearing a sad t-shirt, or stinky in any way, she’s not going to have a good time. Especially when society puts pressure on women to look good, you should do what you can to look good, too. This means showering, washing your hair, crafting your beard or shaving it off, taking care of your skin, wearing a button-down shirt, and brushing your teeth. Otherwise, are you surprised she didn’t want a second date?
You were mean (to other people)
You don’t have to direct your indifference, entitlement, or anger straight toward your date for her to notice it. Did you even look at the waiter? Did you push past people on the sidewalk to open the door for her? Maybe you made snarky comments about people who had nothing to do with you or your date? These moves portray an idea that you are considerate only to the newest, most exciting prospect in your life, and she knows that if she sticks around she will begin to feel like that waiter, or those people you pushed in front of, or that lady whose skirt and hair you insulted.
Self-deprecating humor is like a packet of hot sauce; a little bit adds depth and flavor to your experience. But if you douse the whole meal in packets of hot sauce, it won’t be funny anymore. She’s going to think you feel like you deserve punishment, and you lack confidence, and that’s ultimately going to keep you from working with her to build a positive, mutually enriching relationship experience. You don’t have to think you’re some hotshot–In fact, please don’t, because men who think they are larger than life show a disconnection from reality. Which leads us to:
There was no give and take
When on a date, do you take stock of how much you’re talking versus how much she’s talking? Finding interesting topics to fill conversation is an essential part of first dates, certainly, but it would benefit you to avoid filling silences with anything and everything. Did you talk for twenty minutes about your accomplishments and best qualities, or maybe spend significant time in the nitty-gritty details of a hobby she hasn’t learned to appreciate yet? Maybe you spent time verbally cataloguing your record collection instead of asking her about herself?
She will learn about you, which is half the point of this first date, but what she’s learning is that in relationships, you focus on yourself. And if you go on praising yourself throughout the first date, she will quietly discover some negatives to balance it. Instead of showing off your proverbial muscles to impress her, impress her with your ability to build a connection. She will be much more taken with you.
Everything was a debate
Unless she loves arguing, she’s not going to feel comfortable or safe with you if you make everything into an argument. Poking light (but respectful) fun at her favorite TV show is one thing, if you surround it with supportive rhetoric, but soon after meeting her, did you tease her about her appearance, values, or opinions? Women certainly enjoy flirty teasing, but only when it occurs after you’ve already built a rapport and you know the personal nuances of how to read her.
Until you know her idiosyncrasies and sense of humor, trying to poke fun at her by arguing, making fun of her, or questioning her beliefs will almost certainly offend her. Before the two of you have built a friendship and are comfortable with each other, it’s best to focus on supporting and connecting with her, instead. Many men step into this trap accidentally and can’t find their way out– Don’t let this be you. Women don’t want to feel antagonized, and if you can’t respect the things that are important to her, you two have no business arranging a second date, anyway.
You were over-analytical
If you’re asking her a spreadsheet-like list of questions and it’s apparent you’re going through a mental checklist to see if she’s “good enough” for your standards, even if she is, she won’t want to go on more dates with someone who makes her feel like a show horse. You’re on this date to get to know each other as people and see whether you have possibilities together, not to assign her a grade.
It wasn’t a good match
It may feel like a disappointment, but in most cases, no second date may be something to be happy about! You did nothing wrong, there was no argument, and this first encounter didn’t evolve into a string of disagreements that almost definitely would have happened even if this arrangement did work out for a while. You’re out– You’re free. You have no baggage to deal with, and you’re free to start over. You are in a good place.